“Self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning.
Self-actualization definition: the realization or fulfillment of one’s talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.
In Matthew 16:25 we read “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” Well, most of my life I have been trying to “save [my] life.” It is a very natural want to have, is it not? The desire to find yourself, find your meaning, find the reason why you’re here? Isn’t it natural to want to make the most out of your own life? Well, we also know that “the natural man is an enemy to God” don’t we.I set out to start this blog because that is what the Lord counseled me to do when I asked Him what He wanted of me. I was imagining myself getting big and famous from putting my stories out there. I was imagining some big wig guy finding my blog and featuring me on Yahoo’s news. I saw myself getting this super quick break, and getting made over night, because of my soap opera of a life! Wow. What on earth, right!? Here I am trying to spread some goodness out there, because deep down helping people is my all-time favorite thing on the planet! But, I was really hoping to get some temporal gain out of it as well. To be completely honest, I get hardly any temporal gain, but I get so much more than that. God’s grace truly is beautiful! The new friends, private messages, and heartfelt comments mean the world to me. I am grateful to be able to touch others with my story, and my Father has helped me to understand that all those words and people add up to be worth so much more than any dollar sign. And He has definitely been showing me that I am indeed following the path He has paved for me. I felt impressed to put my story of prostitution out there one evening a couple months ago, and one thing led to another. As a Younique presenter, I had heard about The Younique Foundation, but never really delved into what they were all about. But, as a consequence of freeing myself of the extra guilt I was still carrying by spreading the word to thousands of others, I was again led to another place I had not foreseen. I had the opportunity of attending what TYF titles the Haven Retreat a few weeks later. During my time there, what I was touched by the most was people’s genuineness. Every single staff member was delighted to serve us strangers. And I was amazed at all that two siblings who came together to accomplish something were able to do! So much goodness was happening – so much selfless service – all because of two people who simply started a corporate business only three years ago decided to set out to accomplish. I can tell you they give credit where credit is due. They know that the Lord’s hand is strong in their work – His work through them – otherwise they couldn’t be doing all that they are. I could go on and on, but it amazed me how much they were investing in us women. I am so blessed to be considered an outpatient with them, whilst living in the Utah Valley, for I have many free services granted to me for life now because of it. They truly are angels ministering unto the Lord’s children. I have met hardly any others who are as selfless as those who began this journey, and the spouses thereof as well. My heart will go out to them in gratitude forever.
After returning home, I had a slew of emotions spiraling around, through, and above me for days! I will admit, I was indeed a bit lost. I had no idea where all that craziness I was emotionally feeling came from! I thought I was totally fine and on the right track only a week prior! What happened!? I would wonder and wonder. Then, within only several days did I come to perhaps the biggest realization of my life.
Yes, I love helping people, and yes, I am doing what the Lord wishes me to. But, am I doing it with real intent? With a pure heart? I have been wanting to get my own sort of gain from all this, thinking “Surely the Lord was putting me on this errand because He knew how much I wanted to provide for Coraleen while staying home with her. Of course I am also being a missionary at the same time, so am I not entitled to the prosperity spoken of in the scriptures? When we keep His commandments we prosper! It’s all over the Book of Mormon, so surely He will give me the financial desires of my heart as I am staying the course He has commanded me to.” Well, what kind of thoughts were that!? That is NOT pure intent. I am trying to serve two masters! I am trying to serve people there, while looking over my own self over here. That is no sign of a pure heart. I am ashamed. Please forgive me, dear Father. Please forgive me.
Once it hit, once it truly hit, I experienced a mighty change. I felt so free! I went from caring and worrying so much about how on earth I was going to make it, to realizing how little I was actually helping and wanting so much to help so many more! I no longer cared about the lack of financial gain with my blog, and I cared a whole lot more about the people. I started caring less about getting my numbers of followers raised, and caring more about trusting in the Lord to lead His children that may benefit from reading my posts this way. It is all about perspective, isn’t it? Either way, it is an amount of people. The first way I was so concentrated on the numbers (I am a huge numbers person, so it made sense to me…once again: natural man), and the second way I was concentrated more on His children. We are not numbers, we are people! And once that self-actualization hit, I was entrusted with a whole lot more inspiration. I was then ready to know my true reason for being here.Yes, my daughter is my number one reason for being here, otherwise I would be without her. Obviously she needs me as her mother, and that is why I will live in whatever circumstances necessary (within reason, of course) to be the one who raises her (not a daycare). Not a single soul can take that away from me without taking my life – not a one. But, we are not meant to concentrate on only those who belong in the tight circle of our blood-family. If any of you reading this feel that is the only place you belong, I highly advise you to repent and ask the Lord to lead and guide you to others you may assist, or other ways you may assist those in your area. My patriarchal blessing specifically blesses me to “know that missionary work is an important task for all that have the lineage of Ephraim and Manasseh (italics added for emphasis).” Oh, I know that alright. And I will spread the word to all who need to hear how crucial it is that we get heavily involved in the Lord’s work now. The field is white already to harvest! But, I am not trying to be overbearing, so I will quit while I’m ahead.
My point is that once everything lined up just perfectly in my life, seemingly all at once, so that I was able to address my follies, and grow closer to my Father and His divine will for me, He graced me with quite a bit more – because I was ready. That day of self-actualization hit about five or six weeks ago. It has truly been a lot to fathom, and I have not a clue how I am to accomplish it all. I know I will because I am no quitter, and because I will have Him “on [my] right hand and on [my] left, and [His] Spirit shall be in [my heart], and [His] angels round about [me], to bear [me] up” and “[He] will go before [my] face” to continue paving the path He already set out to long before I even knew where it led.
I have no doubt the income will happen, in due time – in His time. But, never before have I approached something at such a slow and patient, prayerful and pondering, careful and considerate place. And, if you are wondering What is it? What is it!? I am happy to announce that I am working on a non-profit organization. It’s as if almost immediately after thinking (and writing) that the next big thing was for me to be a motivational speaker, the Lord said “Yes, that is good, but still not good enough.” Well, He knows I like a challenge! Motivational speaking has much to do with this upcoming organization, but more details will unravel in the following months.I can never rightfully close my blog posts without personally thanking you. Those who choose to spend their time reading these posts have blessed me with so much, and I appreciate all of you. You have my deepest gratitude for all you have done for me, said to me, and so on. I still write because you still read, and it means the world to me when you take courage and personally reach out to me to inform me of how my words helped you in some way. Thank you, and I love you.