I have been feeling completely inadequate this last week. I haven’t felt so low in years. Sure, I have felt “low,” but not this specific kind of low. These last several days I have experienced a slew of emotions, but as I stated, mostly inadequacy. I think it all started off by what I learned at the retreat I went to. I truly did have myself fooled, and they had to go an show me reality! It was hard! There was a whole ton of things I learned about what I had actually experienced. I didn’t even know I was a sexual abuse survivor until less than a year ago, and then during the retreat I learned that I had also been a victim of rape…rape! Several times! That is not an easy pill to swallow! None the less, it has all been quite humbling. That is what I mean when I say “low.” So, I really can’t complain. I openly claim to struggle with pride. I like to think that having an issue with pride is a very human characteristic, but I am pretty sure that is just me rationalizing. I think that, previous to this last week, it was so easy for me to write this blog, because I had no doubt in my abilities whatsoever! I thought I was completely qualified to help all these people in miraculous ways because of where I had been, what I had seen, and what I had endured. Yeah, that last sentence alone sounds just a bit too cocky to me. In all actuality, I am the least person qualified! I have not properly healed for years, I have no education in the department of psychology or anything similar in order to “help” others, and I am sure I could think of more, but those are the two main points I can think of at the moment. And then the Lord decided it was time to grant me with more information about my husband…
I prayed and prayed and prayed for understanding for months after Wes was arrested over a year ago, and the Lord has been granting me my desires ever since. It is not easy information to hear, but He seems to give me just enough when I am ready for more. This time I had been granted with more information regarding his childhood… Boy…my heart still aches for what those children had to endure. It is not my place to discuss it here at this time, but it was horrific. But, after an outpouring of information came into my life, everything finally clicked!
Here I had been thinking that there were these three separate portions of my being: my psychic tendencies, my addictions and life story as an individual (pre-Wesley), and my tragic marriage story. Well, it all clicked into place a couple nights ago. Those three entities that make me me are not at all separate, but rather quite closely knit. All three of them mesh together just so for a greater purpose much larger than myself. And that realization alone made me petrified. Here I am knowing how completely inadequate I am to be writing what I am writing, trying to help whoever it is I am even trying to help, and now I have one of the biggest realizations of my life!? What on earth am I to do with all this? were my thoughts. I had no idea where to go or what to do. I felt like there was so much I already had to say that this blog has been all over the place, and now there was even more! Ah!! And then, today, I read exactly what I needed to “But behold, the voice of the Lord came unto him, that he should return again, and prophesy unto the people whatsoever things should come into his heart.” (Helaman 13:3 italics added for emphasis.)
It doesn’t matter how inadequate I feel. The Lord will touch the hearts of those who choose to hear my message as I speak from the heart. So long as I choose to speak with real intent, and for no gain of my own, the Lord shall be with me. I must always remember that His grace truly is sufficient – not only for me and my journey of life, but for those who read my posts. What I lack in words, He will make up for in Spirit. Maybe my blog is all over the place, but there is one constant: His grace. His grace can accompany my attempts at reaching even just one person. And, so long as I remember that, all will be sufficient.
I can only express gratitude for my Savior helping me in all my follies and shortcomings, and thank those who stick by my side. I can hardly believe it has not even been three months since beginning this blog, and already so many doors have been opened. I am about to open even more doors, because I am willing to do whatever it takes (within good reason, of course) to reach whoever needs to hear what I have to say. With this humbling switch in mentality, I am ready. That being said, I will strive to write at least once a week, but I will keep you updated on my journey. My heart is full as I close this post. Without this rock in my missionary work, I would be at a loss. Enjoy your week!